Spinning, Knitting, Crocheting, Organic Gardening, Living off-grid, and chasing sheep - because- I'm, like, NOT SANE!

Friday, January 08, 2010

Marinating on the Concept....

I know, I know, everyone is over the New Year and I'm tragically late coming to the 'oh, geez, it's a new year now' post but - well, there it is. I needed a little more time to marinate on the year behind, the year ahead, and the year already underway (I know the last two are the same in one but go with me a minute here, would you?). The year behind was a little bamboozling and not entirely in a bad or great way - just with a sort of balance that leaves you standing there at the end of it all going, "hmmm, so how would you characterize that?" but not really having a full and logical answer.

On the one hand, 09 was just chock full of some of the most brutal sorts of changes - the most shocking for me being leaving our farm/homestead and rejoining the grid living/blender using/washer and dryer wielding world. So, naturally, because I am a wimp and all, I want to avoid opening that jar and looking inside. I've been feeling a little guilty lately - avoiding the blog even- because I'm having trouble doing just that. I'm glad, actually, that I took a little time before doing so. It takes a bit to gain perspective on such changes and since the summer just seemed to be a whirlwind of changes, changes and 'oh, hey, you thought you were done - here's another bowling ball coming your way' changes. Adapting has never been much of a problem for me but actually accepting that there is a need to adapt - well, there's where I fall short. It seemed like over night but I know that is partially due to that 'failing to notice a need to adapt' issue - LOL.

So, in a matter of months, we moved, we learned how to be 'normal' again. We squealed at the joys of doing a load of laundry, we flirted with excess - and then found a common ground so that we could exist in the 'norm' and still be conserving enough to live with ourselves. We dismantled the family unit entirely and are slowly reconstructing the ' we' that we will be moving forward. That was one of those I didn't really WANT to see so it's still a little tender. We went from a group of people who were working together - every day/all day just to meet the needs of survival, to opening wide the doors and letting everyone settle into roles that they needed/wanted/dreamed for themselves. It was scary at times, exhilarating at others, and full of moments wherein we discovered who we are at the heart of things and found joy in just being. I've been handling the farm business on my own for a few months,now while the huscreature embarks on new journeys of his own and that is a refreshing change. There is, indeed, such a thing as too much of a good thing - and neither of us is really suited to spending ALL day ALL the time with another. We're both fiercely independent and while working on the homestead together was, at times, really sweet and sort of a pinnacle of happiness - it was also, at times, not so much. We needed the space a while ago and now it's not entirely clear just how much space we'll need to make things work....another lesson I learned against my will in 2009 - not all outcomes are evident. Next to awareness of a need to change, you could scribble 'walking the paths of uncertainty' as my second worst challenge. I like order. I like solidity. I tend to pull toward things you can count on no matter what. In short, I live in a fantasy world most of the time LOL. But, again, to every feeling of 'oh no, can this really be?' there is a full and joyful antidote. Things 1,2, and 3 are thriving in our new home! They are involved, in just these few short months, already is so many new and exciting ventures ranging from extra curricular activities at the school, to karate classes to music ventures, to a multitude of other happenings that are a sure and happy sign that they are settling into their new community very well. As it would turn out, they were the ones I was most worried about being able to adjust to leaving the only place they could really remember calling 'home' and they've done what kids do - adjusted, evolved, and thrived more than ever. It would be the adults who've had a slower progression toward adaption.

But then, you know, I read this over and I feel like just deleting the whole thing and wonder if writing a blog whilst suffering a nasty chest cold is murking up the view and making me whiney. Because, I don't want to be. Because even though there are tough spots - the bright spots are pretty freaking magnificent. I got a chance to travel, to meet many beautiful people, and to continue doing what I love while raising the three beautiful people I call Things 1,2 and 3. I mean, how can you top that?

So, I've thought about it enough, let some things set for a while to gain a clearer perspective on them, and now I'm ready to put the lid on 2009 and start collecting fresh hopes, ideas, dreams and adventures for 2010. You knew I'd get there, didn't you? I just needed a few extra days. Now, is it too late to open the champagne?